I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
