I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
