its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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