i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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