my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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