I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We just shotgunned beers for America
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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