I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
