Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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