so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
