you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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