he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just blew my weed a kiss
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
