I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
