kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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