i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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