He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i would punch a child for taco bell
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
