oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
