I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
