i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
