I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
