theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
is that a dick in a sweater?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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