mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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