In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
