you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
