After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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