turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
