We're facebook friends in real life
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
