My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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