Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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