I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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