she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
