Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
