There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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