...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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