In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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