Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
