I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
