i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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