he thought i was a dude.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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