It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
