You're so nebulous sometimes
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
