I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
