We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
