my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
