Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
