My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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