i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
