i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
