Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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