My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
