Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
