I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
