he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
