Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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