I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
