Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
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Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
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I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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