we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.