uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.