I'm laying in your front yard are you home
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life