Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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