just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize