i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't turn off my feet"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
