Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
